After receiving my A-level results which came as a surprise to me, I felt lost, and still am.
Honestly, I wasn't an excellent student in my JC life. I remember crying so badly when I found out who my new classmates were during the start of JC 1, and I hadn't even saw them yet. All I saw were the names of my classmates, and the one thing that struck me was that most of them were hard-core muggers.
To say that I was overwhelmed would be an apt description, because I knew that I was never going to be as good as the others. In Yr 4, I managed to scrape by with a-little-more-than-average marks, having a GPA of 3.3 at the end of the year. However, when I found out that I was going to spend the next two years with a bunch of super smart and hard-working people, I just felt so... small. I felt uncomfortable, knowing that if I wanted to be better, I needed to change. And I didn't want to change. I was happy being jut me, happy with what I achieved. I could finish school and go home and watch a few episodes of Korean drama or indulge in some other-worldly fantasies of fictional romance, and still manage to get by with the results that wouldn't get me into trouble.
However, due to my stubborn mindset of refusing to change, my life as a student turned for the worse. I know being a student is not all about grades, but my results were a total disaster during my JC life. I was a SUper student, often scoring S's and U's. Not my proudest moment. I still remember bawling out my eyes in front of my form teacher when she came forward and asked me how I was coping with student life, I guess I was very emotional then. The words triggered some sort of reaction from me, and I felt like I was exposed, naked, bare, just from that question. I wasn't coping well. I was struggling to catch up with the rest, and I felt so bad. I used to be better, but at that point of time, I couldn't feel any worse. Once, I was a cheerful and outspoken girl who was always belting out songs , and now I'm dreading school. Sleep became my new-found friend. I felt that school had become so draining, both physically and mentally, that I started to sleep so obsessively, my family thought that I had a problem. Well, maybe I had one at that time. I could spend so much time talking about how great sleep is, but I think that would be out of the point.
After school ended and I graduated from school, I wanted to find a part-time job. One that paid well. One that's not office-bound, because somehow I'm afraid of office politics. Maybe one day when I grow old and read back I'll find myself in an office cubicle reading this old blog post, but never mind. I uploaded my resume on one of the job portals, one which was slate clean, because obviously I had no prior working experience. I was hoping that some companies would hire me to do something relatively easy, like maybe manning the counter or something. I'm very lazy. A recruitment agency called me and tried to get me some jobs, but I always refused the moment I heard the pay was too low for my liking, but now that I think about it, I might have taken that up instead. Office job? No thanks. Then one day a job came up, one that paid 12 dollars an hour. My first reaction was WOW. That's good money, and when the person said that it wasn't office bound, I was sold. And I only needed to work 4 hours a day, four days a week. That was a steal, right!? I pounced at the opportunity and got an interview the next day. Got the job just 15 minutes after the interview, and was told that I could start work on the following Monday.
First day of the job, and I felt like quitting. I admit, I'm not one that can stand up to challenges easily. I'm weak, and I'm not strong-willed like I wished I could be. I feel like giving up the moment it gets too hard on me. But after sticking it through for about 1 month, I felt okay. It wasn't that bad actually. I made a bunch of new friends, friends that I wouldn't be able to make if I didn't get the job, so I'm thankful for that. Yet, some time later, things started becoming tougher. It was a whole lot stricter at the place I was working at, and I started to fear coming to work, mainly because I felt like I had to look like I'm doing something when I actually am working my ass off. And this may sound weird, but it's really hard to do so, when there's absolutely no business. Knowing that there's always a pair of eyes looking at you and judging you based on how tired and how eager you look trying to get people to listen to you, I started to get sick of it. It was boring, repetitive, and I felt no satisfaction doing so. People's faces started to look the same. I couldn't tell one uncle from another. They were all objects to me now, things I needed to approach to hit my sales quota, or else I'll be in for it. I tried to hard-sell the item, and it was so tough for me to try to persuade the uncles to get it, I was so fed up with it. I thought I would get used to rejection after so many attempts, but I still can't, not with that upsetting feeling when you think you are going to land the deal only to be faced with rejection at the last minute. The demands were getting out of hand too. One person was expected to hit a quota of 2 people per hour, which in my opinion is complete bullshit. Ideally, it is meant to be an aim, but there is no form of appreciation for what I do that I start to doubt myself whenever I don't hit the target. Was I not good enough? I tried so hard though... And finally, I decided that I was not going to live like this anymore. Enough is enough. I'm fed up with standing under the hot sun for hours in a row, and I don't want to continue harming myself by inhaling all those second-hand smoke. I called it quits just 2 weeks before the end of my 3 month contract. Granted, I could probably last for the remaining 2 weeks, but I was just so tired from it all. I wanted to end it immediately, and so I did. The one thing holding me back was writing the resignation letter, because I felt obliged to stay for the whole period, and quitting just 2 weeks before the end of the contract just felt so weird. Like, if you wanted to quit, just quit at the start right? Why wait so long? The moment I submitted the resignation letter, I felt like a huge rock was lifted off my shoulders. To not be bound by a contract, that feeling is one of the best feelings I have ever experienced.
And here I am, unemployed, idle with a bunch of house chores to complete before my parents come home. Wash the clothes, hang the clothes, fold the clothes. Vacuum the house. Wash the dishes. Bathe before the sun goes down. And I'm stuck in another routine again, but of course without a contract. Sometimes I do miss going out to work and earn money, but then again I wouldn't be able to write about this, would I?
After I finished JC, there came an even bigger decision to make regarding my life. University. I know that I should feel proud and happy about my A-level results, because, really. I never expected to get such good results. Ever. It came as a pleasant shock. But when it came down to applying for university courses, I felt lost. Which university should I go to? What do I want to be when I grow up? What do I like? Should I study what I like? Or should I study something that would guarantee a path of success and good pay the moment I graduate? My results were definitely enough to put me in the course if whatever I choose to apply to, that I was quite confident of. But what do I want to do? I was never super good in anything. You could say that I was a Jack of all trades, but a master of none. I don't know what I'm good at, how I could possibly contribute to society when I grow up. I envy those who know what they want in life. Some know that they are going to be doctors, and I envy that. Some want to be teachers, and I envy them too. But I don't know what I want to be, and it is this feeling of unease that fills me everytime I think of my future. Recently, I'm conflicted about scholarships. My father told me to get a scholarship, so I went to look it up, it told me to write an essay about why I wanted the scholarship. Why do I want a scholarship? Ummm.. because my father told me to do so. I couldn't think of anything else. Because I don't know what I'm going to do in the future. Then I went to look at the most commonly asked questions in a scholarship interview. "Tell me more about yourself." I'm just me, plain, boring me. Graduated with shocking A-level results that I thought were purely a fluke. A leader? Maybe..participated in a few camps here and there. CCA? I guess you could say I was in a good CCA, but I wasn't the best. CIP? Would going to Cambodia 2 years ago and helping to paint a school while staying in a luxurious hotel and eating expensive food count? Or Flag Day? For everything good about me, I always have a nagging thought at the back of my head that undermines my effort. Even I don't believe that I'm that good, so I also don't think that you should be giving me a scholarship, because I'm just not that great. I think I'm not very confident. I can't imagine myself giving me a convincing answer when asked what I see myself as 5 years down the road. I live my life by counting each day, and everyday I ask myself what I want to do in the future, and there are so many uncertainties that I rather avoid thinking about that question.
So when I got offered an interview for a scholarship, I hesitate. Because I'm not confident. Friends tell me to try, but I can't find the courage in me to get out of my comfortable pyjamas and fit into a blazer and dress heels, make my way to the building and have people ask me what I want to do. I don't have an answer. I don't even feel like I deserve a scholarship. Because my grades, to me, were a fluke. I'm not sure if I can consistently churn out good grades, because I'm a slacker at heart. I like to take things slow and steady. I don't like to push myself out of my comfort zone. I like it here, where I'm safe and there's no one to judge me, to criticize me.
After writing so much, I have come to a decision. I will reject the scholarship interview this coming Wednesday. I'm sorry my friends, but I still don't have the guts to do so. I feel that I might do something I regret when I go for the interview, like baring my innermost thoughts to the people there, and showing them a side of me that I don't want people to see. Hopefully, as time goes by, and when university life has started, I will find the will in me to aim higher. But right now, I'll spend the remaining time in my little cozy house training for the future.
